Survivor's Guilt
by Painted Sky
Summary: [ Sometimes regret can torture a soul, even if you shouldn't feel anything at all. It can put a burden on your heart, even if you never really had one in the first place. ] [ axelcentric ][ larxel, naturally ]


**A/N: Er, just so you know, this isn't related at all to my story "The Savage Nymph" or "Next to Nothing", but you can try and make connections if you'd like. I don't really care. But I didn't put any real connections in there, at least, not on purpose. **

**Survivor's Guilt:**

Axel was in his room.

Why in the world was he in his room?

That was a good question, he decided.

A very good question.

And of course, there were many possible answers, many possible reasons that he had locked himself in his room, but a certain few nagged at his mind like an annoying fly, buzzing in his ear, day and night. And so he sat, silently, on his bed, drumming his fingers in a movement of guilt and restlessness as he watched the sun set outside his window.

Of course, Axel's room was one of the few that had been built with windows, as most Nobodies preferred the bleak, anonymous feeling of constant darkness. But Axel was different than most Nobodies, in more ways than one. There was just something exhilarating, he decided, about watching that big ball of fire rise and fall each and every day. But he wasn't the only one. On occasion, Larxene had been caught watching the sunset from the roof, by herself, sometimes with a book in hand. Always the mischievous type, Axel quietly suspected that she had snuck up there more times than she had been caught.

"Who knows," he mused, speaking his thoughts out loud, "maybe she's up there now." But as he spoke those words, the thought struck him like a bolt of lightning moving through his body, like a knife through his heart, or where his heart should have been. She wasn't up there now, and would never be again.

Larxene was gone.

And it was all his fault.

"Well, it's not all my fault, is it?" He asked the silence of his empty bedroom, as if asking for reassurance that Larxene's death was not his fault. But there was still no answer.

The sun had by now slipped below the horizon, and the lights of the city below him came on one by one, and the light washing out of windows and streetlights gave the city a kind of glow as the stars themselves began to appear. And Axel himself had never felt so helpless and alone. The cityscape below seemed too beautiful to be the view of a city of beings that were heartless and soulless, uncaring and unfeeling, loving no one. And Axel, especially, had never cared for, nor loved anyone, especially not a blue-eyed blonde, a bookworm weakling that hated him in turn. A traitor.

"But that's all we ever were. Two traitors." He blinked slowly, and then admitted to the empty space in front of him, "And I wasn't even a traitor beside her. I was a traitor to a traitor. Does that make me more or less than her?" He paused, as if waiting for an answer. "But I never meant to hurt her. I was only trying to protect her from Marluxia's mistakes, right?" _But, in truth,_ his conscience answered, _it's funny how motives and intentions can be diluted and rearranged with time. _"I only wanted my best friend back!" He argued, raising his voice slightly.

_And Larxene paid the price._

_You couldn't even protect her from your own selfish desires. What makes you think you could protect her from Marluxia, let alone trust yourself enough to love her?_

_Face it. _

_Larxene got in the way of your dream, and Roxas is still as far as ever._

_You always portrayed her as the foolish one._

_But you were wrong. _

"But—I—" He stuttered, but no smart, well-thought-out comebacks came to mind. "I never meant to hurt her." He said feebly.

"Hey." A familiar voice said, and suddenly, appearing right in front of him, was Larxene. She was leaned over, eye-level with him, but he hadn't seen her until now, for he had been staring at the ground.

"How—how—how long have you been standing there?" He stuttered, unable to believe what was happening. There was no way she could have survived. He had watched her disappear. And that thought brought back so many other painful memories. He looked down again.

"Long enough." She stated, with a sweetness he was totally unacquainted with. But the old humor hidden just behind her voice made him look up again. And fir the first time, he saw what she had really been all along: a girl who had been hurt, deeply wounded by someone or something in her life, a girl turned defensive, uncaring and unfeeling, to make sure she would never be hurt again. Such a shame he hadn't figured her out until now.

Such a shame.

"Larxene—I—" He stuttered, all of a sudden having trouble putting his words together.

"Nope, not a word." Larxene cut him off, placing a single pale, slender finger to his lips, which shut him up quickly. "You need to stop torturing yourself about this. And I mean it." She added, straightening her stance, and defiantly placing her hands on her hips, clearly communicating she meant business. "Because if you don't, you'll never be able to go help Sora."

"But Sora—"

"What did I say about talking? Anyway, yeah, I know, Sora killed me." She continued, the brutal bluntness of her voice slowly becoming more prominent.

"So—there—"

"You're right, there was no mistake. I'm only appearing to you so you can get over your regret and help Sora." For once, it was Larxene who looked down, her hands draping at her sides. The defiance seemed to momentarily disappear as she was lost in thought. "And there are so many people out there, counting on him, waiting for his return. Imagine the heartbreak if they heard that their hero was annihilated by the 8th member of the Organization." She paused. "Now that you've experienced heartbreak, of course."

"But that's impossible…" And just to make sure, Axel put his hand to his chest, in the exact space where his heart should have been. "Nobodies can't feel anything…" But somehow, he was sure that he was feeling something now, in this short moment of silence.

"You never took orders from Xemnas, so why do you believe him when he says you cannot feel?" She asked, putting her hands back on her hips, speaking as though she were disappointed in him. She leaned over and placed a hand on his shoulder, speaking to him slowly and defiantly. "Its your feelings that make you strong, Axel. Never be afraid to feel."

"But you—" He began, but Larxene cut him off once more.

"My part in this story is over, Axel. But yours is not. Sora _needs_ you. But this story will continue on without me. Eventually, I will be forgotten. But don't forget your own strength, your own part of this story, and your own destiny." She put her other hand on his shoulder, leaned over and kissed him, lightly and softly. "And I pray you don't forget me—"

And she faded away.


End file.
